Circus Health and Safety
(Chip) ‘This is the most brilliant of flying trapeze acts Vee’, that quadrupled somersaulting swivel to the catcher was fantastic but why are the flyers wearing dungarees and helmets?’
(Vee) ‘These are not the circus flyers Chip, these are the local authority Health and Safety officials testing the equipment!’
(Chip) ‘I am so looking forward to seeing this show, the very first tour of the national theatre (alternative circus) art house promotion. Here comes the Ring Mistress with an announcement:
‘Attention’! Welcome!!, visiting personage of various and all age groups and ethnic orientations, I must deliver to you the following imperative guidance’s’.
(1) ‘Please, No Smoking is allowed (2) No Alcohol is allowed (3) And, please take all litter home, small re-usable biodegradable bags are placed upon your seat.
(2) The first act will contain the dangerous balancing of knives swords and other terribly life threatening items (Helplines: 12345 567451 ext 2343 56821)’ Please blindfold children during this act.
(3) ‘This act features a male person of ethnic orientation who will perform acrobatic and contortionist feats of extreme ability. The Chiropractic Helpline is 32954 49267’
(4) Clowns and clowning are now withdrawn owing to the likelihood that fall-about-slapstick might be copied and cause distress. We have replaced these items with a bouncy castle for children using safety harnesses. Childline number; 123 543276.
(5) ‘During the interval various highly recommended chosen items of healthy eating are available. We trust that you enjoy the programme’
(6) We do advise the following Insurance company to be very reliable; rapidresponce – 234 543 55 67.
(Chip) ‘What was all that about?’
(Vee) ‘apparently it is the new obligatory Directive from the Politically Correct Health and Safety Approval Board who requires the circus to make announcements before each show to advise the public not to try any of these circus oddities at home without the handy 111 line!